THE TOYS 'R' US JINGLE

Explanation: Real talk, this popped in my head a few days ago, but I can't remember why, but I know it did and then it was just right there waiting when I woke up. I think I might drop the "Explanation" part of this blog because so far it hasn't really panned out. Alright, thanks for reading.

Thoughts:

TOYS 'R' US ENJOYS A MONOPOLY ON THE U.S. TOY STORE INDUSTRY AND THAT'S FINE WITH ME

Because:

Toys 'R' Us > Kay-Bee Toys

Toys 'R' Us wins, but Kay-Bee gets points here because you were often able to sneak around back aisles and play with whatever toys you wanted until you and your mallrat friends decided to drive home.

Toys 'R" Us > K-B Toys

Not fooling me, rebranding!! But if I had a nickel for every tail-attached-to-a-rolling-ball thing I liberated from the front display of this place I would have zero nickles because they never really rolled that far.

Toys 'R' Us > Shitty Local Toy Store

Weird dolls! Shitty puzzles! Cup 'n' ball game! You're right grandma - Nintendo is silly.

Toys 'R' Us > Amazon

A toy store where you can't play with toys is like an Outback where you can't walk around picking appetizers off people's tables while you wait to be seated.

BECK - "LONESOME TEARS"

Explanation: Came on shuffle two days ago and lodged itself in the back of my brain. I listened to it on the way to work today and by the end of the song I was trudging down the street, head hanging like George Michael having problems with Ann.

SONGS WRITTEN FOR BUT NOT RELEASED ON "SEA CHANGE"

1. "Guess I'm Gonna Sleep All Day"

2. "Ice Cream Won't Help"

3. "Why?"

4. "Reading All Her Email"

5. "Why? (reprise)"

PULP - "COMMON PEOPLE"

Explanation: Just, like, so random

Thoughts:

ASSUMED DIFFERENCES BETWEEN AMERICAN AND BRITISH MUSIC FESTIVALS (ASSUMED)

• Chaotic, swelling crowd replaced by orderly queue of patrons taking one step forward every 10 seconds so "every geezer in the gaff can have a butcher's"
• Creepy dudes do not grope female audience members unwantedly, instead just give their fannies a wee tickle
• $7 Bud Lights replaced by £12 + VAT Carlings
• Asshole blocking view with girlfriend on shoulders replaced by arsehole blocking view by waving enormous Welsh flag
• Diplo's 20-minute DJ set at the Chips Ahoy Electro Tent replaced by 3-hour marathon Daft Punk set on British Petroleum Main Stage
• Band that was "way better" at Lollapalooza '96 actually was better at Glastonbury '93

BUSH - "COMEDOWN"

Explanation: Killed this on Guitar Hero the other night.

Thoughts:

What Are The Members Of Bush Up To Now?

Nigel Pulsford (Guitar): Lives off the $20 in royalties he earns whenever Fear is shown on Cinemax

Robin Goodridge (Drums): Started a well-known punk band that plays around the UK every weekend but feels slighted when the rest of the band won't let him put "Ex-Bush" next to their name on flyers

Dave Parsons (Bass): Gives bass lessons, manages to fit the phrase "Yeah, well when I wrote the bassline to 'Comedown'..." into every lesson

Sacha Puttnam (Strings): Will play "Glycerine" live at your prom for $89.95 + snacks

Gavin Rossdale (Hair, eyes): Answers "Lots of projects, very busy, thanks" when interviewers ask what he's doing these days while standing behind Gwen Stefani at industry events

CAM'RON - "WHAT MEAN THE WORLD TO YOU"

Explanation: No idea. I actually woke up with "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys at 6:20AM and planned to write about that, but fell back asleep. In the shower "What Mean The World To You" came in my head, so here we are.

Thoughts:

I was gonna write this funny shit speculating what Cam is up to right now, like leaving an Atlanta hotel in an Aston Martin wearing only a bathrobe, dunks, and a Yankee hat, but wait:

THE THEME FROM "TREME"

Explanation: Sunday Night is HBO Night™

Also, this song is actually "The Treme Song" by John Boutte from his 2003 album Jambalaya, which I definitely knew without looking at his Wikipedia page.

Analysis:

A SERIES OF HBO-THEME-THEMED HAIKUS

ENTOURAGE

Me, Drama, and E

Want to cruise through Hollywood

You drive us, wigger

OZ

Prepare yourself for

Fifty-seven minutes of

Rape rape rape rape rape

THE SOPRANOS

This should have just been

Raw footage of Tony S.

Eating Roy Rogers

REAL SEX

Turn out the lights now

Twelve year old boy, it is now

Time to masturbate

THE WIRE

I just can't wait to

Discuss Tom Waits and The Wire

With all my white friends

ERASURE - "STOP"

Explanation: Listened to this song like four times yesterday. Yep.

Analysis:

INT. GAY CLUB - NIGHT

We're in a gay club in the gayest gayborhood in a major gay American city - and it's Bear Night. This club was the hottest gay spot in January, but now it's February, which is like 20 gay years later.

BRUCE: I can't believe how slow this Bear Night is. It's probably the worst Bear Night this week.

FREDDIE: The quarter-page ad in the back of this city's gay alt-weekly promised a sloth, which is the technical term for a group of bears.

BRUCE: I know what the technical term for a group of bears is, Dennis.

FREDDIE: My name is Freddie.

Without warning, DJ Spazzy dead stops into the nine-minute extended 12" club mix of "Stop." Suddenly, random traffic lights and street signs emerge from nowhere, and scaffolding packed with gyrating gay men drops inexplicably from the ceiling.

BRUCE: Bear Night is saved!

FREDDIE: I'm gonna get mauled!

BRUCE: I'm gonna nurse some cubs!

FREDDIE: That doesn't even mean anything.